GRIEF definition:
Very great sadness, especially at the death of someone:
Grief: Something that is not to be conquered, endured or worked through. Like laughter and love, tears and sadness, peace and anger, it is one of many emotions that define us as humans. God gave us all of them, for all the events that will take place in our lives. All are a certainty, and none should be the only emotion we experience at any given season in our lives. Embrace them all, experience them all….it defines the amazing life we get to journey, before God calls us to heaven.

My reflections as I feel it’s time to share my walk and journey so far. Losing Peter, my husband of 34 years and 4 days died suddenly due to a cardiac arrest, a heart attack! It happened all within 7 and a half minutes (inside joke between Peter and I) of him waking me, asking me to drive him to hospital and leaving his earthly body behind in this world. Heaven called his name, and he answered ‘yes’. Wednesday night, life was normal, by Thursday morning, life was turned upside down, at least for me and those around me. The phone calls I made that morning, were in disbelief and shock, I made them all, as hard as it was to call his sons, and his mum and dad, brothers and sisters, I was determined to share those experiences with those he loved.
The influence Peter had across the community of Port Macquarie and beyond, from family to church, hobbies and work, many were affected by the departure of this loving, honest and beautiful man. The most impact was on men, mainly those who went to check their own health out. One finding out he needed a triple bypass, another a leaking heart and the list went on, many lives lengthened... IF THAT IS STILL FOR YOU TO DO…… DO IT NOW!!!!
I express my love, gratitude and thanks to those who held my hand during this time, who made decisions for me when it was too hard, who sat quietly, chatted or laughed with me during an overwhelming time. To all of you who sent flowers and texts, it saw me through those early days, it didn’t go unnoticed. All of you, no matter how small or how long you helped, it ALL mattered to me. THANK YOU.
Early on, the only thing that mattered was getting out of bed, showering and making sure I ate each day. That was the only expectation I had on myself. I knew my boys were safe in the hands of men in their lives, thank you to those who stepped up, I’m including them in this conversation, but the rest is their story to tell. I know however, that boys… need to talk and they probably wont.. I love you Brendon, Aaron, Oscar and Riley - your lives will be forever changed.
I know that my past journeys of hardship and the decisions I made then, allowed me to be me, during this time of grief. Grief doesn’t have to be conquered.
As what our heart needs is the right emotion at the right time
When I was unwell at 25ish, I got through that time by holding onto this scripture, my girlfriend gave me.

This is what I held on to, life was going to be okay. I was going to be okay.
Also to participate in life, not watch it go past. I couldn’t with all my heart, watch life go past, it isn’t who I am. It was no disrespect to Peter, but together, that’s also who we were.
God also showed me you cannot grieve what you don’t let go of. I am blessed that although in some ways, I’ve let go and let God, I can also speak freely of him in the past, now and into my future. Removing my rings, was tough, I first swapped fingers, then finally took them off. I had honoured my wedding vows, till death do us part, and death had been way more final, way too early, and way more sudden than we both planned. But it was final. The grief process had started, before that, reality had not set in, taking my rings off, certainly made it final.
I had team around me, I’d like to recognise them as my friends, both past and present. I didn’t do it on my own. My closest friends encouraged me to keep going and keep being me. Telling me If I didn’t grieve the way I grieved, it wouldn’t be me. I am incredibly grateful for those who have journeyed with me over the past two years. When I needed support, I looked to Jesus, even he had those around Him He trusted during times of testing and hardships.
I think I should have started a list of the crazy things people say to you. My favourite of all was, “He is up there looking down on you”. Really!! I’m not sure that’s even what I want, knowing he is watching my every move is daunting. Our understanding of death and heaven, or the finality of loss is hard to come to terms with, even more so, when you’re the one watching on. The western world doesn’t really accept grief like other cultures. I know in some countries, they grieve out loud and I do mean out loud. Us westerners are rather more reserved, not sure if that’s a good thing or not. I leave that to you to decide. However, being the one in the moment, the one who it has affected, you understand what you are feeling at any given time, and that’s enough to worry about, without worrying about others. I didn’t have the emotional capacity to think about others, but I care about you too, as you grieve your dear friend.
I’ve watched a very good friend of mine pass away only months before Peter, Janiene. She was such a special person in my life, as she was instrumental in pointing me to Jesus. My son Aaron Trent is named after her son Trent, as recognition of the impact she had in my life. A solid Christian lady, who faced sickness, and knew life had to be lived. Her husband has been re-married for over a year now. Talking with him about moving on and accepting a new relationship was refreshing, knowing there is hope of one day, sharing my life with someone again, allows me to look forward with anticipation. Knowing that I’ve had 34 good years of marriage, who wouldn’t want to do it again.

The reality of having God in our lives, as there is a connection to Jesus, is that He represented us by taking upon himself, our pain and joy, the journey of life. Jesus’ body was broken for us so that we can be released of our pain in exchange for healing through his sacrifice. With Jesus dying on the cross, a transaction takes place, He died, but rose again for our sins, past, present and future, our grief at a time of loss. He conquered death, we no longer need to take that upon ourselves. The heavy load of grief, is now His. With Jesus, a new covenant took place, that the Old Testament of the law passed away and now love was written on our hearts, not in the stone of the law. We know the Holy Spirit can transform our lives, taking us from who we were, at any given time, to who we will become, keeping us moving forward in this life.
Most of all, the Holy Spirit touches our hearts, and keeps us close to Him, a love even greater than our earthly heart can endure, our spirit to spirit. All circumstances, our trials, our celebrations, life being brought into this world and those who are taken out of this world, so that we would make it through. Keep the Holy Spirit close, Jesus as your example and let God be God of our lives.
My prayer for you during your time of grief and sorrow is to hand it over to Jesus, the yoke that is too heavy for you to carry. That Jesus voluntarily took upon himself, that allows you and I to journey through all circumstances expected and unexpected in life. Jesus allows us to be transformed from the inside out, with the conviction of the Holy Spirit. What we’ve been through, what we are going through, gives us hope for what we will go through. Lord you are enough, and we are worthy of your love. Let us represent Jesus to others, fully Holy Spirit in us, fully us, fully Him through us.

Let me finish on a good note, the beautiful things I remember most:
He loved my hair long, the first date we went on, I cut my hair short to have it tidy. Ooops, I cut it too short, even though I’d wear my hair long or short over our marriage, his favourite was long.
He would laugh from the inside out, or be internally combusting, with one finger we’d make him laugh. He would often slide in a joke that others would miss.
We did things together and apart, either or, it didn’t matter. We were one in Spirit. We promised ourselves early in our marriage, that we could speak for the other, which led to some wild adventures. As I was more often eager to say ‘yes’ to something, and he’d have to come along.
He let me be me! He didn’t put up with me, he embraced who I was. I never felt he’d try and change me, neither I he. It was a strength in us both, we knew who we were.
There are many memories, like our proposal and holidays. I could fill another booklet, with the lifetime of memories we shared over the 34 years we were married.
But for now, this is the end. He is gone, life moves on way too fast. The next season in my life has begun, built on the foundations of the past 57 years, not just the 34 with Peter, but my entire life to date.
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